learn to hope.

site has moved!

2011-01-01T13:03:00.000-05:00

official launch day.

2010-12-01T10:00:00.001-05:00

i'm so excited because today is the launch of my new and shiny official website!

please click on over to... www.joyeusephotography.com

unfortunately, i will no longer be updating this blog here, but i am excited to move forward into the next phase of art and blogging.

so please, change your google/rss feeds to the new website and join me over there.

thank you!

kelly.

2010-11-23T12:00:00.000-05:00

good things are yet to come.

2010-11-21T17:54:00.000-05:00

i've really struggled this weekend. my perseverance levels are down and i am struggling to continue believing that joseph will get a job and people will ever pay me for my photography.

but i just took this photo this afternoon and it gives me hope that i will find my way along this journey of trusting Jesus with everything.

coming soon...

2010-11-16T18:19:00.001-05:00

ladies and gentlemen,

i'm proud to announce that a new site is to come. what's the occasion?

joyeuse photography is soon to be launched!

i'm working around the clock to get everything designed and in place.

the only thing set in stone at this point is my logo.

and i love it!

how i get through the day.

2010-11-10T15:00:00.000-05:00

everything is in His hands. and i'm thankful He reminds me every day.

that time i let spontaneity free me.

2010-11-02T21:07:00.000-04:00

if any word could sum up my experience with moving. my spiritual condition. or my life in the past month, it would be freedom. and there is nothing like a spontaneous trip to DC that could drive that point home.

what i didn't know i needed.

2010-10-26T14:09:00.000-04:00

i think i know what it means to come to the end of yourself. and i'm not really sure i signed
up for this. i thought i was agreeing to a fantastically beautiful, adventurous, and purposeful life. and i was.

but i also unknowingly signed up for surrendering all my desires.

and no longer getting to choose who i love and minister to.

and not getting to decide how and when God provides the things we need.

and not getting to be warm whenever i want to be warm.

and not getting to always be comfortable and lay low.

but, it was about time i learn these lessons. the funny part is, i feel so much better. so much cleaner. and quite a bit more whole.

i don't constantly feel the need to cleanse myself of all my issues and make myself someone "better" at following God. first of all, because that concept is ridiculous, and second because when i let myself surrender to the control He already has, i know i am where and how He wants me. and especially because it no longer requires my false perfection.

the things you expect.

2010-10-19T14:45:00.000-04:00

i expected beauty.

but not this much.

i expected a loving church family.

but not this much love.

i expected life to change.

and it has, and is, and will in far more significantly orchestrated ways.

i expected people to expect things and for perfection to be the bar i set for myself.

but they don't. and honestly...

it is time to let. go.

ethereal autumn bridals.

2010-10-13T23:57:00.000-04:00

ripe.

2010-10-11T10:47:00.001-04:00

before i moved here, i envisioned so many things. i collaged a picture of virginia with a thousand images i have collected in life. half of them, no known origin.

i saw rolling hills filled with trees of gold, amber, and ruby leaves. farms and beautiful old steeples. i saw wooden buckets overflowing with fresh apples. our home was cozy, a fire was burning, and we indiscriminately invited people in to love and to cook for. my artistic vision was revitalized by beautiful imagery composed by my surroundings. pumpkin spice lattes ad cognac-colored boots were with me at all times and scarves hung always around my neck. the heavy breath of autumn permeated the air as my mind was entrenched in red and orange nostalgia.

the season of weather changed, coinciding with my own seasonal change within my soul. the fruits of the Spirit were ripe for the harvest.

it is the autumn of my dreams and the air smells of cinnamon and nutmeg mingling with hope and adventure. i have long awaited this point in my life. the moment where God finally asks me to move to my unknown and i find myself following Him. and so, i realized yesterday that i do believe God. i really do. why else would i move across the country, penniless (relatively), and without a "real adult" secure plan? why would i leave my best friends in the whole world and my loving, comforting family? it wasn't for the fall leaves and the picture of virginia i just detailed to you. but it was because i believe in Jesus and everything He says. And in a new way, as something i have never experienced, these thoughts were utterly refreshing to me.

all these minor details in my vision can still weave themselves throughout my new environment. but ultimately, i'm here because Jesus has called us. Us. my husband and i. and really, there is nothing better. really. and oh my am i thankful.

short hiatus.

2010-10-01T15:54:00.000-04:00

so i realize that i am basically in the middle of the hiatus and probably should have mentioned this sooner. but i have no time to upload any of the many photos i have taken or blog about the things i am feeling or all the wonderful things our friends have done for us to send us off to virginia.

i have my best friend's wedding this weekend and then one final packing and loading day and then we are off to virginia. it will probably be a week or so before i can post again. but when i do, i will have so many things to share with you.

in the meantime, feel free to order some prints. :) and i'll be sharing wonderful moments with my best friends, getting to meet shauna niequist, and traveling across the country.

newness.

2010-09-25T01:30:00.002-04:00

i was asked to create a digital invitation for the houston ballet guild and once i got started, i couldn't stop. the result was this new design (that i love) and the addition of my "about" page at the top that i have been wanting to do forever! check it out if you get the chance.

and here is some pretty lace, just for fun.

enjoy.

the celebration of autumn.

2010-09-23T13:25:00.000-04:00

being that today is the first day of my favorite season (fall is currently tied with spring), i want it to be a day of celebration. these are a few things inspiring me. the most important of them is an excerpt from shauna niequist's book bittersweet. it's a bit long, but worth the read.

"Fall is harvest, when we're getting all the good stuff that someone took the time to plant many months ago. Someone planted it, and now we benefit from it. And that's how it is when we make art. We struggle and push and plant seeds deep underground, and it doesn't look like much for a while. But then someone comes along and listens to your song or sees your painting or reads your poem, and they feel alive again, like the world is fresh and bursting, just like harvest. Plant something today that will feed someone many months or many years from now. Plant something today, because you've feasted on someone else's carefully planted seeds, seeds that bloomed into nourishment and kept you alive and wide-eyed.

Use what you have, use what the world gives you. Use the first day of fall: bright flame before winter's deadness; harvest; orange, gold, amber; cool nights and the smell of fire. Our tree-lined streets are set ablaze, our kitchens filled with the smells of nostalgia: apples bubbling into sauce, roasting squash, cinnamon, nutmeg, cider, warmth itself. The leaves as they spark into wild color just before they die are the world's oldest performance art, and everything we see is celebrating one last violently hued hurrah before the black and white silence of winter. Fall is begging for us to dance and sing and write with just the same drama and blaze.

Use your dreams and your secrets and your neglected, hidden imagination...Write a song that says everything you have wanted to say to your father, or fill a canvas with all the things you hope you find out that God is, when you meet him someday. Dance till your feet bleed, sing till you're hoarse, spill out your stories like pouring wine into thin-stemmed glasses, the liquid rich and blood-red.

Get up. Create like you're training for a marathon, methodically, day by day. Learn your tricks, find a friend, leave the dirty dishes in the sink for awhile. This is your chance to become what you believe deep in your secret heart you might be. You are an artist, a guide, a prophet. You are a storyteller, a visionary, the Pied Piper himself. Do the work, learn the skills, and make art, because of what the act of creation will create in you."

i love that. so rich and to the core of my soul. this chapter, and this whole book have really inspired me in the process of change and hope and this journey. especially in the midst of moving across the country and needing faith and inspiration.

and here is a sneak peek of beautiful bridal portraits to come:

prints available!

2010-09-15T13:51:00.000-04:00

due to numerous inquiries, and the encouragement of my husband, i have added a tab in which you can get information about purchasing any prints on my blog or flickr. i'll be glad to work with you on any other products, such as canvas or standouts, etc. and until october 1st, if you buy two prints, i'll throw in a free one, of equal or lesser value!

**and know that you will be supporting our move to charlottesville as we continue to pray and hope for job opportunities

9.11.10

2010-09-11T10:56:00.000-04:00

yesterday we went to campus (texas a&m) and discovered a group of students that put together this memorial.

it was really meaningful to us to see students doing something to bring everyone together. we have seen a lot of things happen to polarize one against the other. conservative versus liberal. in a lot of ways we are different, but in a lot of ways, we are the same. we all experience the human condition.

they were passing out flags to everyone who passed by to plant in honor of fallen soldiers and those who suffered from the acts on september 11, 2001.

they did well to show honor and respect. i'm thankful for this. and i'm thankful for the sacrifices we as people are capable of making for each other.

i'm remembering this today. and i'm thinking of everyone who has been affected by war. not just americans.

time for change.

2010-09-10T21:59:00.010-04:00

and so, october 5th, we are officially pulling away from our apartment in college station, furniture and kitty in tow, for the beautiful and artistic charlottesville, virginia.

joseph has accepted a dream-like job as a music minister at a church we couldn't be more excited to be a part of.

and as for me, well, if you have any photography needs in the area (or not in the area) i will be glad to meet them for you.

there are many things i want to do, accomplish, and begin. but the first thing i'm going to do when i get there is pray.

...

2010-09-09T19:53:00.000-04:00

but hello autumn! i'm ready. i am.

there is life around the corner. and inspiration. and beautiful purpose.

on with the journey.

downtown.

2010-09-04T10:36:00.000-04:00

the bridal shower experience.

2010-08-30T14:26:00.009-04:00

i have a strong dislike of gatherings of women. it hardly makes sense because it usually involves the sweetest of friends. but something about the overflow of estrogen usually leaves me cringing.

so i knew it would be difficult to plan a bridal shower for my best friend that didn't feel that way to me.

in the end, it was unlike any other bridal shower i have been a part of, and it felt like an artistic expression of myself and my love for my best friend.
i loved it. i loved hosting friends. i loved creating. i loved spending time with my mom and another of my best friends pulling it all together on saturday.
i also loved being maid of honor (i can't bring myself to say "matron of honor"), hostess, best friend, and photographer all in one.

crafting the invitations.

one of my favorite ideas.

festive flowers.

i learned to make pom flower garlands.

teddy bear sunflowers.

what a face.

the banner that i drove half-way back to college station for.

the cutest pettifores i've ever seen.

the delicious food!

mothers and daughter.

the pinata, named pepito and curtis simultaneously, before his doom.

one of my favorite people in the world. so chic.

so i'm not really in any photos, so i posted this one...

...and this one. you can see my accomplishment on the ground behind me. :)

before and after. i made a painting and a bunch of little flowers that i passed out at the shower for everyone to write their hopes for the couple on. it turned out beautiful and i want one of my own!

my favorite part of the night was the look on her face when i introduced her opponent in a game. barak came runing down the stairs and surprised everyone. it was incredible. then they played a game to see how well they knew each other. allie won. :)

my favorite gift she was given- a circa 1930s locket with tiny photos in it from their engagement shoot i did :).

the groom having fun with all the gifts.

sets of salt and pepper shakers.

the bride's bouquet for her rehearsal, made from all the bows. her grandmother put silk hydrangeas on the package instead of bows- i love it.

so proud that everyone dressed mexico-bohemian as i requested on the invites!

that time that dreams became real.

2010-08-26T11:22:00.010-04:00

deep belly laughter. mountains and valleys. apples and orchards. academia. ethnic foods. incredible architecture. coffee and books. old friends and new. art and music. jeffersonian principles. a new perspective.

a recipe for redemption. (gotta love the cheesy title).

2010-08-19T14:57:00.006-04:00

yesterday i wrote about redemption and grace, and yesterday i experienced redemption and grace.

i rarely write about what i do with my friends and i never write about food. but yesterday warrants that i speak of the redemption and grace that these things helped lavish on me.

i have definitely had better mornings and something about the sweet words of those who love me, mixed with fresh, earthy polish food, and throw in some new friends and some not-as-new friends, and you have a picture of redemption and healing.

God giving me good things, me being thankful for those things, and the day being renewed all over again.

so here you have it.

our lovely chef.

i love that we bought fresh vegetables that i never buy.

authentic and fresh polish borscht.

me with my (not-so) sweet kitty.

oh beese.

and the lovely nease.

and perhaps my favorite part of the whole night. our very own, and just as ghetto looking as the normal ones, photo booth!

please notice: kelley trying to control the cat, beese's mashed potatoes, joseph looking like a wine-o (when we all know that is kelley), beese trying to command every photo, joseph nuzzling beese, and how happy we all look to have eaten a delicious meal.

what a sweet day.

and tomorrow we fly to charlottesville!

life a-fresh.

2010-08-18T12:46:00.000-04:00

have you ever woken up one day and realized that your life has changed? i don't mean like you have a new job, or now you are married, or you are just in a good mood.

i mean changed. through and through.

the other day one of my dearest friends asked me how i was doing. and it was so strange because in the two months since i had seen her, my life had pivoted 180 degrees.

and now i can say that i actually know what it feels like to go through a dreaful season. a time of waiting and waiting and being in pain. but then to realize that despite all my resistance, and pushing against God, and refusal to accept my circumstances, and whining about my life, despite all my stubbornness and immaturity, God brought healing anyway.

and now i know that my physical being is knotted together with my spiritual and my mental being.

and now i know (because i've been taking care of this lovely plant) that there is death, over and over, but after these small blooms die every evening, i pick off the dead buds and in the morning, new bright and yellow flowers have blossomed all over again.

and now i see, because my life bears witness, and because i'm reading shauna's second book- bittersweet, that life can be fresh. that i can let go and that soon i will have the strength to let go. that i can be closed, i can be resistant, i can be angry, that i can choose not to change myself on my own because i just don't have the strength anymore, that i can act childish, and yet, i am not in control of the universe or of my life, but that the One who is, will not have me forever lifeless and sad and confused. that He will not tie me to my failings, nor my faults, nor my fears. He will not define me by my struggles, nor make me pull myself up by my boot straps. He will not throw me out when i choose myself over Him some days.

so there you have it, life a-fresh.

just because it is saturday.

2010-08-14T15:02:00.004-04:00

a little weekend present.

the summer of spontaneous travel.

2010-08-09T10:38:00.004-04:00

i'm really excited because i'm getting another opportunity (in less than two weeks!) to travel some more. and this time, joseph is coming too!

we are headed to the beautiful charlottesville, virginia. and i've never been to virginia!

many photographs to come.

{round 2} so i work at a coffee shop...

2010-08-05T17:30:00.000-04:00

and this very very short scenario happens to me regularly.

{disclaimer: these posts are intended for comic relief only. i do not hate my job nor hate people. i do struggle to have patience and demonstrate love, and these situations make me supremely aware of that fact. but to see the humor in life is essential for my sanity. }

me: hi, how are you?

customer: cappucino.*

me: in a very defeated and slightly offended , yet, quiet voice- oh, okay. (if it is that difficult for you to say hi to me, you shouldn't be allowed to leave your house. didn't you learn to acknowledge people when you were, i dunno, 2? i'm being serious right now, sir.)

moral of the story?

i am not a machine. baristas, grocery store checkers, gas station clerks, and cashiers are people too, people!

and on another note, i know that "how are you?" has become just another way of saying hello in our culture. but it still calls for a response of some sort. you still have to say hello back.

*or latte or small coffee or whatever a person chooses to order.

history.

2010-08-04T00:11:00.004-04:00

fascinating stuff about french. i was drooling over all the french-ness the whole time.

maybe my favorite image of the entire trip:

so i work at a coffee shop...

2010-08-01T14:06:00.006-04:00

and 80% of the time i'm at work, i'm annoyed. there are various factors that contribute to my annoyance, but the most important one is that people think spending $3.90 for a large latte entitles them to treat me like their servant.

being a barista (while i flail about trying to figure out what i really want to do with my life) has taught me to think a lot about how i treat people. and i hope that by sharing my stories with you, you might think about how you treat people as well.

the setting: a particularly busy tuesday morning. i am working alone and 5 people have all decided to get in line at once. one customer has ordered so far, is waiting for me to make their drink, when the next customers in line are a college-aged couple.

me: hi, how's it goin?

her: we just sat at a table in the back, and there's like, old coffee on it. will you come move it?

me: blank stare. (is this a joke? you are joking, right? RIGHT?) uhhhhh, okay.

her: but we want to order drinks too. i want an iced americano and he wants a small coffee.

me: as bitingly sarcastic as i can muster up- would you like me to make your coffee or clean your table first? because there is only one of me. (and you are ridiculously pampered if you think i should walk across the shop to move a mug so your dainty hand does not have to touch something so contaminated as someone else' mug- gasp!)

her: ummmm, clean then coffee.

me: dagger eyes and loud sigh.

epic failure at trying to convince her she is asking something that is uncalled for. and that there are five people in line behind her and i have no backup!

so then i stroll to the back, leaving 6 people waiting for their drinks, pick up the mug that was left on their table, wait 2 minutes for them to clear all their stuff they have already comfortably positioned on their *dirty table*, and wipe it down as they have requested.

DO YOU SEE YOURSELF RIGHT NOW, CHICK? really, do you?

a few i forgot...

2010-07-30T23:24:00.003-04:00

moments i felt like i was in narnia.

melissa's beautiful meadow.

THE oak tree. centuries old.

and one more of the lovely kitchen.

magnolia ridge, my favorite details.

2010-07-30T17:57:00.005-04:00

here are some of the details from the plantation that i am completely in love with.

white, neutral, and seafoam.

bold curtains.

a family heirloom.

an old-fashioned loom that still gets use in the weaving house.

ornate details. seriously, everything on this property is ornate.

our morning coffee and my late-night tea. i was sick so i had an appointment with tea + apple cider vinegar every night.

sunshine on the walls and sunshine through the windows. always sunshine.

magnolia ridge, the grounds.

2010-07-29T12:49:00.005-04:00

not sure how it took me so long to start getting these photos up.

last week, melissa taylor and i went to her family's southern plantation located in Washington, Louisiana. the plantation and the town were charming.

we spent the days taking photos, lazing around, and immersing ourselves in 19th century culture.

it was a photographer's dream. here are the first round of photographs: the grounds.

inspiring women {a girl who daily changes the world.}

2010-07-23T19:26:00.007-04:00

melissa taylor, one of my best friends. she is an educator to students who live rough, impoverished lives. she inspires me because she daily steps out of her own culture and comfort zone to love and teach in a culture foreign to her.

she is truly captured in this photo shoot, because she shines. incredibly so.

she exudes joy and playfulness.

she infuses the lives of others with light.

she loves and gives so incredibly well.

and she is just so dang naturally beautiful.

you change lives every day, melissa taylor.

brothers and uncles and nieces, oh my!

2010-07-18T11:15:00.008-04:00

and now for a very special treat (for i never photograph children), my niece anna!
yesterday joseph and i traveled to columbus for her birthday party- she is two and quite the heart-stopper already.

this was almost my favorite photo from the day. all that light was natural, flooding into the photo. if it weren't for those cars. also, i'm not used to trying to keep up with a 2 year old- it was difficult to take photos as she kept scurrying along.

because the previous photo couldn't be my favorite, this is the one that is.

playing with uncle tim.

and uncle joseph.

and a baby bird that fell out of its nest! :(

on the road again.

2010-07-16T15:59:00.003-04:00

just a quick note that i am leaving on sunday for a roadtrip with one of my best friends.

our destination?

a plantation in louisiana!

i can't wait. many words and pictures to come at the end of next week.

in and around. {quality fruit- conroe, tx}

2010-07-14T10:50:00.006-04:00

an adorably artistic roadside farmer's market on 105 in conroe.

i bought some lemons, some peaches, and my favorite, some balsamic vinagrette salad dressing.

this honey is definitely on my grocery list for next time.

inspiring women. {frida kahlo}

2010-07-08T17:19:00.004-04:00

(image via google)

frida was a mexican painter filled with both passion and pain. she painted honesty, yet vibrancy. and i admire her. she wasn't afraid to be unique.

i wanted to do a self portrait a.) because i haven't done one in awhile and b.) because i want to bring attention and admiration to an inspiring woman.

and this one is just because i love my kitty and she always has to be in the middle of everything we do.

more about frida here.

american nostalgia.

2010-07-05T13:57:00.005-04:00

i decided yesterday that july 4th is one of my favorite holidays. and not because i'm your average proud-to-be-an-american. most of the time i'm embarrassed to be american. it's really awkward to be born somewhere and be hated because of it.

i am glad i'm american. but i don't think being american is better than being other things. i try to stay away from ethnocentrism and thinking that things have to be a certain way. though, i do know that many ideals and habits have been inculcated into my being, never to be separated.

the point of this post is that i love the 4th of july because of it's nostalgia. the way that it represents summer and family and food and, if i must say, patriotism. there are so many traditions and childhood memories that i (and i think the rest of the country) associate with this day.

nostalgia is a part of life, but i also think americans (and probably many others) have perfected this emotion. it is rampant in our everyday lives, and notably, in the way we feel about the 4th of july.

we enjoy our holiday very much.

dreamscapes.

2010-07-03T15:12:00.003-04:00

we are dreaming of new and exciting things. adventures. places. people. opportunities.

a {somewhat tiny} texas tour.

2010-06-29T12:20:00.006-04:00

as you may recall, i took somewhat of a road trip this past weekend. my primary purpose was to spend time with good friends. and that was, of course, the best part of the weekend.

but i also wanted to take a few photos.

here are some highlights of the trip.

************************************************************

climbing with rebecca up the rocky lookover onto the 360 bridge.

trailers of all species you could imagine.

a delicious chicken curry crepe dinner with josh. quite the character, that one. a few more off-color jokes than i was hoping to hear.

book people. the most delicious bookstore (outside of powell's in portland) i have ever been in.

a trip to my absolute favorite store.

the famous (at least in my coffee shop coworker circle) caffe medici.

foam perfection in a cappucino.

when country road literally, in complete honesty and seriousness, means country road.

i missed the turn for a vintage shop i was looking for and decided i would try and take some country roads (which usually just means a road that isn't a highway through the texas countryside). not so. until this moment, i don't think i have ever actually been in the middle of nowhere. and yes, that is a gravel road.

tokens of my creative friend, erin.

it was a beautiful and encouraging time. :)

a journey down a street in nafplio.

2010-06-23T18:43:00.005-04:00

though it was nearly nine months ago that i took this little walk, i can remember it like it was yesterday. it was the day before i picked up joseph at the airport.

and it was such a beautiful day. in such a beautiful place.

first day of summer.

2010-06-21T09:52:00.008-04:00

it's the first day of summer! though, if you live in texas, it's really the 168th day of summer.

i never say summer is my favorite season, but i think deep down, it is and i'm enjoying my favorites.

my favorite shoes.

my favorite flowers.

my favorite fruit.

my favorite smell.

my favorite kitty.

and just some favorite photos!

a very good day.

2010-06-17T13:39:00.004-04:00

today is a good day for a few reasons.

reason number one: it has been two months, today, of my wonderful marriage.

number two: greece won their first world cup game in history! i was so stoked watching that game. i think i should have been born a) european and b)french or greek OR a splendid mix of the two. instead, i'm a blend of mexican (the one i cling to for scholarships), norwegian (the one that baffles me), german (the one that makes me feel like i belong in my husband's uber-german family), french canadian (the one i love the most because it explains my francophilia), and something or other (irish?).

number three: i've figured out a mini roadtrip i'm taking next week/weekend. somehow, i got scheduled 5 days in a row off, so i'm using a few of those days to see people i deeply miss. i know this means discovering new beauty both with my camera, and with my soul. and my soul is in desperate need.

blog posts like this one here, by my sweet friend erin (who i get to see on my roadtrip) (!!!), remind me of how deep in the mud i am. i've mostly kept quiet about it here because it confuses me, it hurts, and i'm not ready to handle it. and i'm still not ready. but i am ready for fellowship with people who keep me hanging on.

hanging on is where i'm at. i can't pull up yet, and i have no desire to do so.

i think love will be the first step. or at least that's what i hear.

6.16.10

2010-06-16T12:20:00.001-04:00

missing this beauty. can't wait to be part of new beauty. still waiting.

** feel free to click on this image and use it as your desktop background. for your desktop use only, please.

life lesson.

2010-06-15T12:37:00.006-04:00

my husband taught me yesterday to use my senses when i

struggle to remember what is good in life.

to touch.

to taste.

to hear.

to smell.

to see.

anyone else touching, tasting, hearing, smelling, seeing good things?

{allie & barak} part two - their romance.

2010-06-07T16:56:00.012-04:00

this part with allie and barak was so much fun. they are inspiringly precious and incredibly hilarious.

in these they were both about to peek around and scare the other...

some of their silly-ness.

the cutest shoes.

allie is so beautiful...

and barak was cracking me up almost the whole time.

make sure to check out part one just below this post.

{allie & barak} part one - their story.

2010-06-07T13:53:00.009-04:00

though i just started, i don't know that i can top this photo session. i had a blast coming up with ideas for this shoot and creating something that is remarkably them. i can't stand the idea of a photo shoot without special meaning.

not only is allie my best friend and practically my sister, but i look up to her and respect her.
she is beautiful, inside and out, and i admire the way she handles everything in her life.

allie and barak weren't dealt the easiest circumstances for the growth of their relationship, but they pushed through it. and with such grace.

at first, they lived in different cities, and then they lived on different continents as barak left for afghanistan to serve the United States for an entire year.

they spent time every day, on the telephone, loving each other and building their relationship.

this part of the photo shoot represents their story. their beauty. and their patience.

i love you two, so much.

the color of rain.

2010-06-03T14:28:00.005-04:00

in the middle of a barrage of sunny days, i love a melancholy rainy day.

i love the way it tones everything around you.

it's hard not to feel relaxed even with a hundred things on your to-do list.

6.2.10

2010-06-02T18:01:00.003-04:00

i really wanted to blog today.

and then i realized i have nothing to say.

{henry} wedding preview.

2010-05-27T12:24:00.010-04:00

i have to admit, i was really anxious about being brittany and bryan's photographer. i have no experience whatsoever and really had no idea what i was doing. after the wedding i was horified, feeling like i didn't get any good photos.

not only am i happy with the photos, but i'm really inspired by this experience. i feel closer to brittany and bryan and excited at the prospect of getting to do this again.

thank you, brittany, for having faith in me and giving me this experience.

{click on the photo to see it bigger.}

lazy summer afternoons.

2010-05-26T19:26:00.005-04:00

how can i not smile in the lazy hazy afternoons of summer?

they are my absolute favorite.

i'm moving inches across the miles to light-spirited freedom. but it's something.

the two that i live with are doing well too. i enjoy spending my afternoons with their joy and peace.

AND, i think it really helps that i have been sort of photo-edit crazy these days. thanks to brittany's wedding. i'm really excited about how my first attempt is turning out. here is a lovely tiny sneak peek. i don't want to give too much away.

a real preview will be coming soon!

a day for firsts.

2010-05-22T12:55:00.002-04:00

i'm off to photograph my first wedding.

i never wanted into this business but based on how excited i am right now, maybe doing a few more weddings won't be so bad. :)

i think getting to travel around the world to do it would be even better. in fact, even if someone would just pay for my plane ticket, i would do the photos for free. that would be the life...

here is a preview of the beautiful bride.

there is hope for me yet.

2010-05-21T11:36:00.005-04:00

i don't read christian blogs. i don't even like christian blogs. by that, i don't mean i won't read the blogs of other christians.

but when i see posts about christianity, i run away (technically, click away) as fast as my fingers will carry me.

but then i found Jamie. and i think she is my long lost other half of my soul.

this morning, i saw one of her tweets that somehow, by the ultimate miraculous of miraculous miracles, i clicked my way straight to donald "super-christian writer" miller's blog.

20 minutes ago i was writing in my journal, the first entry in oh, 3 months? 4 months? however many months, its been a long time.

anyway, i was writing about my hardness. my heart feels the heaviness and the hardness of a boulder. i'm kind of at my wit's end. i'm kind of tired of all the expectations of being a christian.

and then i read this post. and then i thought "hey, if this is true, maybe i can go on. if i can believe this, there may be hope for me yet. i may someday know freedom, joy, and hope."

that is power.

now, how to believe this and be around people who exude this...

oh, and to break down a million other walls and fears.

a clarification and the cafe life.

2010-05-13T11:33:00.003-04:00

so yesterday when i said i was knee-deep in sorrow, what i really meant was that i am still knee-deep in my personal struggles.

the ones that i have written briefly about over the past few months.

it doesn't yet make enough sense in my head to be more than just an emotional blog post.
so i'm sorry if it seems that i am experiencing crazy grief. because i'm not.

i just haven't moved on from some things yet.

there does remain a serious lack of hope and joy. i'm still waiting.

my sweet soleil.

2010-05-12T17:13:00.003-04:00

knee-deep in sorrow, we decided it was time for a little sunshine in my life.

meet our sweet kitty...soleil.

she is named after sunlight (pronounced soh-lay in french).

in my life, there are two things that rarely fail to at least make me smile. the sunlight, and my kitty lexi. so when we were thinking about naming the kitty that we adopted from the shelter two days ago, there was no doubt that she should be named after the sunlight.

i know she doesn't look too happy in her first photographs, but she just had kittens a few weeks ago and just got spayed yesterday. can you blame her?

she is a sweetheart.

but more than that is her story of rescue. after spending two hours at the shelter playing with all the kitties, i was almost in tears for how i would have to leave all but one of the kitties there, hoping that they, too, would be rescued.

although I'm having trouble realizing this in my own life, soleil's rescue reminded me a lot of Jesus. she had been in the shelter longer than all the kitties, almost 5 months. soleil is a siamese/japanese bobtail mix. which, if you know anything about cats, you know that the japanese bobtails are born without tails.

to her onlookers, soleil seems to be the last choice. although she is sweet and affectionate, she looks weird, different, delinquent- at least to most people. and those are the ones Jesus rescues. the lowly, the failures, the unwanted.

soleil did NOTHING to deserve our intense love for her. she didn't do anything to earn her spot in our home. she simply needed to be rescued. she's been a stray and malnourished her entire lifetime. it makes me think about myself. how i often feel like a stray.

perhaps i'm a crazy cat lady. but at least i see Jesus in the sunshine. and that's more than i am used to recently.

pure beauty.

2010-05-07T22:20:00.003-04:00

if you haven't had the opportunity yet, please check out Green Wedding Shoes, one of the coolest wedding blogs, because our wedding was published!!!

i am so excited!

also, check out clayton austin (our photographer), who worked incredible magic and captured the joy and detail of our wedding. all of this makes everything i put into the wedding so worth it.
clayton has a few more pictures on his blog but GWS has some explanations i wrote about the planning.

enjoy. :)

month four.

2010-05-03T22:00:00.004-04:00

month four was a crazy beautiful month. so much so, that there wasn't too much opportunity to keep a list every day of what i was thankful for.

i will say this- every day of april i was thankful for my fiancé/husband. every day before april 17th i was grateful for the people in my life whose love for me is so fierce that they would help at my wedding, they would give me gifts to get life going, they would listen for an hour on the phone as i vented, they would give me hours of their lives to make my wedding the most beautiful and holy thing I have ever been a part of.

every day after april 17th, i was continually grateful for those people. but i was also grateful for God's intense faithfulness to answer prayer and to bring sunshine on that day, despite forecasts of storms. despite rain all around. somehow He protected an acre in Spring, TX and filled it with His goodness.

i cannot tell you how moved i was by my dear friends and family who joined us. for all 145 of you, i have enough names to write down for the month of april and beyond.

Praise God.

in a book about the things of marriage i was prompted to consider what has motivated my thinking for the past 20 years. i only had one answer. and it came almost immediately.

perfection. doing things right for all to see. i'm sorry to say that it motivates me more than anything.

i can't accept truth beyond this. and i'm not really sure what is stopping the truth from softening me and opening my eyes to incandescent beautiful life, faith, and hope.

Jesus, help?

moregon.

2010-04-24T19:05:00.004-04:00

the three sisters- faith, hope, and charity.

crater lake, the deepest lake in the united states.

a canadian lynx.

we like to hike and look good at the same time...

finally visited the famous trader joe's.

and, as always, obsessed with vintage, envisioning future photography projects.

snapshots from oregon.

2010-04-21T20:41:00.002-04:00

dreamier.

2010-04-11T23:24:00.003-04:00

i've been having fun with this idea of daydreams. with summer lingering in the air here in texas, i can't help but return to greece in my thoughts.

and just for fun, an interesting composition- myself on the other side of the lens for once.

daydreams.

2010-04-10T22:41:00.003-04:00

missing some of the quiet moments. looking forward to more.

a wedding preview...

2010-04-10T12:51:00.002-04:00

i'm getting married in exactly one week. and i can hardly believe it. though those five years seemed long, now that they are gone, i can't believe i'm here at this point.

i am beyond excited and hopeful.

month three.

2010-04-04T14:27:00.003-04:00

3.1.10 realizing i'm marrying the sweetest and most gracious person

3.2.10 getting told i was someone's favorite coworker

3.3.10 accomplishing a lot today

3.4.10 enjoying being able to cook for a friend

3.5.10 new shoes on sale!

3.6.10 the smell of spring time

3.7.10 sharing my photography at muldoons

3.8.10 the sheer generosity of some people

3.9.10 having a whole room in my apartment for art

3.10.10 the perfection of early spring weather

3.11.10 a relaxing night at comm group

3.12.10 unloading burden on my heart to a dear friend

3.13.10 a 3 hour lunch with a new friend

3.14.10 talking about fasting at church

3.15.10 productive and affirming premarital counseling session

3.16.10 friends that help me through life

3.17.10 corrie sending me an email reminding me that everything i feel is normal

3.18.10 BLACK EYED PEAS! dancing with my best friends

3.19.10 delicious mexican melon drink discovery, time with allie and melissa

3.20.10 realizing how loved i am by my friends, an incredibly cool bridal shower

3.21.10 generous people who want to help joseph and i

3.22.10 having sweet friends

3.23.10 getting extra hours at muldoons- a straight up answer to prayer

3.24.10 experiencing the feeling of knowing it was a good day

3.25.10 a surprisingly wonderful day with joseph driving west

3.26.10 having a friend who listens and a fiance who loves me unconditionally

3.27.10 sunny day to do my laundry; an inspiring conversation

3.28.10 joseph's parents doing so much for us

3.29.10 hearing that someone sees Jesus in me when i really needed to

3.30.10 life-filled email

3.31.10 making it 23 years! free burrito and queso; everything everyone did to make me feel special

it rained today.

2010-03-24T19:04:00.002-04:00

heART.

2010-03-16T22:10:00.000-04:00

sweet truth that my fiance encourages me to take to heart.

Jesus' love covers all my worries.

my happy place.

2010-03-13T21:32:00.002-05:00

my happy place is most definitely my apartment. especially now that spring has arrived.

but more specifically, the spare room wherein i paint, dance, contemplate, do business, store sheets, and lounge on the balcony.

here is a little moment of my day:

a few more glimpses...

and i can't seem to get enough of this song:

upon closer look.

2010-03-09T16:45:00.005-05:00

upon closer look, i discover that i am not all i imagine myself to be.

mostly, i am self-critical. it is in this criticism that i consider some of my positive traits. for example, i am honest. i believe myself to possess such humility as to render myself always open to change, with an ear that hears all from the Lord, a heart so open as to be constantly molded.

at this idea, i almost cringe. is it possible that in my false humility, i see myself so open as to not necessarily possess any openness?

i must admit, i am really struggling at church right now. the past few months at church and in small group have found my the devil's advocate, quick to find fault in words and ideas. from every which way come discussions that i feel are a waste of time or pointless. enter spiritual pride. this is what i mean. in having these thoughts and reactions, it seems as if, in all truth, i'm not open to what He may have to say to me, or what new discoveries can come from visiting topics i'd rather not visit.

i've kept to myself lately. both on the internet and in church. because i don't know how to disagree. it feels wrong to disagree. and as i realize that i am not as open to what God may want to say, be it large or small, i feel less and less qualified to disagree.

i've heard stories about people who are perfectionists. people whose tendencies got in the way of understanding grace and joy. people who were just as confused about God as i am. as soon as i feel that i know some ways to pursue him, i'm knocked on my face and told something different.

and i don't know how to hear things and not feel personally attacked. i'm having trouble receiving life from many of the words surrounding my current spiritual situation. when discussions bring out the imperfections i see in myself, i usually end up in anger or sadness. once again feeling like i'll never get there. like i'm neither good enough nor christian enough.

i could rant on and on. but i mostly just wanted to extract some of what is going on. everything i've been thinking and feeling on this subject could never fit into one blog post.

month two.

2010-03-02T18:00:00.002-05:00

the soft sunlight coming into the apartment today is extra golden. it reminded me to do this.

2.1.10 getting to be open with joseph and the jumonvilles, feeling supported.

2.2.10 a day of relaxation, good quiet time.

2.3.10 so much laughter with joseph at freebirds.

2.4.10 dinner time at comm group. lime surprise.

2.5.10 getting to spend the evening with allie. americanos with dad and brooke.

2.6.10 laughing with my mom. her finding a dress. old town spring.

2.7.10 having a group of people to spend the superbowl with.

2.8.10 having the sweetest and most compassionate fiance.

2.9.10 Carino's yummy food. finding a loveseat on sale.

2.10.10 being able to decorate.

2.11.10 watching God provide in a friend's life.

2.12.10 going to Egypt with Joseph- in the mall picture booth.

2.13.10 generous, funny people at lake limestone.

2.14.10 mercy being new this morning. and a fiance who wants to make me feel special.

2.15.10 not feeling so alone in the world.

2.16.10 Sarah Crombar making me laugh so hard i cry.

2.17.10 validation.

2.18.10 biscuits and IHOP date.

2.19.10 liz helping me with my wedding invitations.

2.20.10 new loveseat.

2.21.10 sunshine. a joyous afternoon. meaningful time with joann.

2.22.10 my warm and comfy bed. getting to do something to make joseph happy.

2.23.10 silly and clever jokes.

2.24.10 creating! the joy of art coupled with sunshine.

2.25.10 wedding bands. the djembe.

2.26.10 good music. and how good it is for the soul.

2.27.10 feeling the wedding come more together.

2.28.10 snickerdoodle cookies.

physical representations.

2010-02-17T18:58:00.003-05:00

thankfulness.

refresh.

joy.

yes, that is a bush baby.

a fresh morning.

2010-02-14T14:45:00.004-05:00

something abnormal yet magnificent happened today. i had a moment of understading, enlightenment. call it what you will, it was special.

last night, as is customary, i went to bed frustrated with myself. my own issues and shortcomings plague me daily.

and unlike many other mornings, i woke up, and felt the full effects of a new day. enhanced by the sunlight and the smell of lavender, i was bombarded with forgiveness and new beginnings. today truly is a new day.

i have no reason to wallow in my mistakes of last night, no reason to believe that i will be the same today as i was yesterday. mercy is refreshed every morning.

it is days like these when i literally know the abundance of joy that keep me sane. these are the days when i am affirmed that God breathes into my being, inciting me to acknowledge his goodness and his work.

gray days and melancholy have become my norm, so its important to acknowledge and remember days such as these.

wintry.

2010-02-11T12:31:00.001-05:00

it is still winter. i'm working my tail off and still searching for joy.

month one.

2010-02-01T17:30:00.007-05:00

here is a (slightly) edited list of the things that i was thankful for each day of the month of january.

1st. dancing to "jump on it" with wonderful friends at lindsey's wedding.

2nd. getting to make coffee for my friends.

3rd. hardcore laughter with allie.

4th. getting multiple sub jobs when i needed them.

5th. a&m basketball game with joseph.

6th. being able to walk to the grocery store, the wonderful smell of cinnamon.

7th. seeing chad, laughing with michelle and rachael at comm group.

8th. getting to know my coworkers better.

9th. the cowboys winning. (sorry dad).

10th. a delicious peach.

11th. good day subbing, good tips, lots of laughter.

12th. getting a lovely kitchen table!

13th. a good meal, time with meghan and jules.

14th. a super easy sub job.

15th. joseph bringing me a gyro, a wonderful 4-hour convo, getting an extra shift.

16th. time with liz, delicious enchiladas, time with sam and rebecca (future family).

17th. Maxfield Parrish's "Daybreak."

18th. $9 in tips! flowers from joseph.

19th. my mom being so helpful with moving my furniture.

20th. being able to walk barefoot.

21st. enjoying comm group.

22nd. sunshine, leaving the door open, queso, rachael jumonville.

23rd. finally having furniture.

24th. lavender shampoo, getting an extra shift.

25th. my mom and dad, discovering vanilla syrup and chamomile tea.

26th. ice cream.

27th. having a cleansing day.

28th. walking into my apartment and being so glad to feel at home.

29th. really enjoying work.

30th. peppermint shake, painting, extra shift.

31st. being able to talk freely and be encouraged by joseph. dinner with liz, julia, and kelly.

escape.

2010-01-30T12:32:00.000-05:00

grey skies.

2010-01-13T17:46:00.006-05:00

i don't know if its the cold seeping into my bones or the grey skies seeping into my soul, but these winter months are often long, requiring a battle to get myself out of bed in the morning.

however, the dreary effects of winter have been abated by my new years resolution. and also, my job.

daily keeping track of even one little thing i am grateful for has done wonders for my spirit. and working with coffee and around pleasant people brings me a lot of joy.

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. --psalm 27:13

portrait of a winter soul.

2010-01-06T16:22:00.008-05:00

"we are not poor. We are just without riches,

we who have no will, no world:

marked with the marks of the latest anxiety,

disfigured, stripped of leaves.

around us swirls the dust of the cities,

the garbage clings to us.

we are shunned as if contaminated,

thrown away like broken pots, like bones,

like last year's calendar.

and yet if our Earth needed to

she could weave us together like roses

and make of us a garland.

For each being is cleaner than washed stones

and endlessly yours, and like an animal

who knows already in its first blind moments

its need for one thing only-

to let ourselves be poor like that-- as we truly are."

rainer maria rilke

i've been quite aware of my daily failures this winter. in particular, my failure to pursue first those things which truly matter. and my failure to commit myself to love.

i see warmth in others that my heart does not know and has not (yet?) grown.

and i feel like much more a receiver than a giver.

new year's resolution.

2010-01-04T23:51:00.004-05:00

write down one thing that i am thankful for from each day.

like this sweet little kitty's life.

gifts.

2009-12-28T19:40:00.002-05:00

tonight i was brought to tears because in the midst of having to trust, i realized God has lavished gifts on me. totally and utterly poured them into my life.

it brings me joy.

everytime i think of one, i just keep thinking of more.

winter inspiration.

2009-12-19T15:02:00.008-05:00

i've been more inspired recently.

not sure what it is.

but i like it.

maybe this winter won't be as hard as the ones in the past.

financial peace. or not. or yes.

2009-12-12T13:21:00.007-05:00

money and its goods, its bads, and its uglies, has been occupying a lot of space in my mind of late. perhaps i should say ever since i graduated. but in the past month or two, its position in the hierarchy of my thought life has risen greatly.

its a battle to know how to spend the little that i have right now. and its a battle not to put all my hope in money. i've had some small and freeing revelations, but mostly i just worry about whether or not i'm going to have enough.

but i truly mean it when i say that i am striving to be at peace no matter what my situation.

i realized that those who feel like they have everything (they think) they could ever want or need are in greater danger of not relying on God or understanding their need for Him at all. i know that my need for God extends farther beyond my financial situation than i could ever say, but i do need Him, daily.

and so, i am grateful to be where i am. because still (and much more slowly than i would like), it is aligning my heart into proper position of reliance and hope in the only One who is solid.

the timing of this constant heart-tension couldn't, in all realms, be better. as joseph and i move towards, you know, marriage and family and all that old-people stuff, we are praying for life vision. meaning lots of things but also lifestyle choices. we come from two lifestyles that couldnt be more different and converging those into one and adding in our desires to be faithful, well, let's just say it isn't easy.

and i tend to have a harder time with it because i come from affluence and have this messed up thought that affluent people must be the bad guys here. joseph pointed out that those with less money can have much more self-serving and greedy attitudes than those who have more money.

affluence does not equal stinginess and poverty does not equal humility.

though we may never make much money, we certainly will have money at our disposal and the ability to choose the lifestyle we will have.

off and on, i've been reading money, possessions and eternity by randy alcorn in an attempt to gain insight on being faithful with money. last night i was really moved by many things in the few pages that i read.

this is more of a confession than it is a post telling people how to view money and how to spend or not spend it. i recognize within myself a desire for more money and more things that i believe i want. what i truly want, deeper than all of that junk, is to have a generous heart and a peaceful spirit.

i want to let go of the deceitfulness of wealth. (mark 4:19).

i want to be generous on every occassion (2 corinthians 9:10-11) and be rich in good deeds (1 tim. 6:17-19) so that i may take hold of the life that is truly life.

i really want some peace, some hope, some joy.

2009-12-04T16:26:00.003-05:00

i love this picture so much. in it, i see life. there is something so alive about its color. the movement of some people. the stationary quality of others, sitting, inside of the starbucks. life happened as a result of this photo. i had to take it. and liz and i missed our bus home because of it, which turned into quite an adventure-- one that i wouldnt take back for anything.

i'm starting to wonder, no, hope, that this blog will start finding a new direction. i'm hoping that i will begin to step more into my artistic voice. i haven't blogged real thoughts in weeks because my thoughts have been so mopey and self-centered. life is swallowing me whole, and i have this self-depricating ability to claim myself the victim and watch it happen.

i'm in this dirty cycle wherein i feel useless and lazy which tends to encourage further purposelessness and laziness. life is unorganized and i can't stay on top of it.
and today, i realized that that is just how it is. it is messy. it is unorganized. it is painful. but the journey, everything we encounter along the way, is supposed to be beautiful. and for some reason, i am blind to that. i'm still searching for peace and contentment.

i don't know why i am so negative. i don't know why i yearn for things. and why when i get them, they still dissatisfy me.

i started this blog because i see these things in myself. that was over a year ago, yet i still find myself in the same place where i lack peace, joy, and hope daily.

oh how i want them to be part of my life.

when i read the Bible, all of its ideas excite me. the thought of being joyful, of peace that surpasses all understanding, of having wisdom, of loving people. but i'm just so bad at letting these things be part of my life. or, i'm admitting that {i think} the process of having these things is taking too long in me.

and i wonder when i won't feel so lost anymore. nevertheless, i carry on. hoping that tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, will bring the peace and understanding i am seeking.

happy thanksgiving.

2009-11-26T20:20:00.007-05:00

i am thankful for all the provision i have been receiving since graduation. somehow, i have made it through, and i am thankful that God always provides. thanksgiving is about being thankful for everything we have been provided right?

i am also thankful for art and seattle. so i edited a few photos while watching football with my mother and fiance. i am so thankful for this time.

i am thankful for changing seasons.

and now, christmas is really coming!

link love

2009-11-24T22:59:00.005-05:00

i feel a little bit ashamed that i feel this way, but my past few days have been rough. my kitty lexi had surgery to remove a tumor and i have been wedding dress shopping, wherein i discover that i am the pickiest, most-difficult-to-please woman ever. i feel justified that if i am going to spend hundreds of dollars on a dress i will wear once (twice if you count the day-after photo shoot) i might as well love it.

anyway, i don't have any lovely photos to share with you, or any art for that matter. :( so i will instead leave you with the blog post that made my day. my friend jessica is about the funniest blogger i have ever read. take 5 minutes and read this post, i promise you won't be disappointed. click below:

yo jmo!

wish day winner.

2009-11-22T12:11:00.001-05:00

the winner of the hope print is number 13!

congrats debbie.

matisse.

2009-11-20T01:04:00.001-05:00

fearless.

2009-11-19T19:45:00.006-05:00

one of my many assignments in my art class, this "painting" is supposed to describe, using primary colors and other techniques, the opposite of how i feel at this moment.

though i do not feel brave, i see myself moving in bigger and bolder steps. sorry i have been m.i.a. recently. that is partially as a result of some of those steps. i moved out of my house into an apartment. although there are some setbacks (such as no internet access), i am so incredibly thankful.

i'm taking this class and challenging myself artistically.

i'm asking God for peace and trust as we wait to find out what me lifelong companion (my kitty Lexi) has that is causing her to be sick.

i'm talking with joseph about all the possibilities for the future. and even asking God to help me be open to the things i feel i don't want to do.

but even while i do these things, i definitely don't feel brave.

and i hope this one is the beginning of where i'm going...

wishes!

2009-11-11T12:11:00.005-05:00

today is a day of celebration for me! for 7 years now, my sweet friend kelsey and i have been entranced by this wonderful day.

from here on out, we listen to christmas music, decorate our homes in the christmas spirit, and drink lots of starbucks holiday drinks. and i strongly encourage you to do the same!

good things always happen on november 11th. 11/11. 11:11 is the only time where all the same numbers fill up the screen. every time i see 11:11 (a.m. or p.m.) i make a wish. and november 11th is always filled with sweetness for me and those around me.

today i want to share some of my wishes.

************************************************

i wish for satisfaction in Him alone who is my creator.

i wish for peace.

i wish for artistic inspiration to overflow.

i wish for that gift to be used in ways to minister and grow others.

i wish for sweetness in my upcoming marriage.

i wish for joseph to be overcome with passion for something he loves to do.

i wish to live out love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

i wish to grow more in hope.

i wish for vision for joseph and i.

i wish many things for my dear friend melissa.

i wish for an endless supply of queso.

i wish for freedom from financial stress (not that i would have tons of money, but that whatever my situation, i would have peace).

i wish that those who come to my wedding would clearly see hope, freedom, and Jesus.

i wish to be in a land of beauty.

i wish to be fluent in french (i know you have heard this nonstop from me).

i wish to learn so much from my upcoming art class.

i wish to mold into more selflessness.

*************************************************

im taking the day off to rejoice in this day and in future days to come.

celebrate with me today! comment with a wish or wishes before november 22 (11 days from now) and win a 5x5 print of my photograph "hope along the journey."

orange leaves.

2009-11-10T12:14:00.004-05:00

i don't know if anyone can relate to this. but i love a good cleansing and releasing of my discoveries about myself. i guess that is part of the reason i started this blog. i thought maybe there were other people who saw things the same way, or could at least understand a little bit of what goes on in and around me. i hoped that maybe i could gain insight from my own thoughts and maybe that some others could gain some insight as well.

all this to say, i recognize the mess of self that consumes me.

i like things organized. neat. tidy. and i'd like to think of myself the same way. i try to blog sometimes to organize my feelings, to put them out there, in the public display window, in a neat and orderly fashion.

but if i've discovered anything, it's that inside, i am a dusty, haphazard mess.

i have passions stacked here and there, desires strewn about, and baggage that takes up more space than i wish it would.

i am a paradox of wanting to stand out and wanting to fit in.

i am a black sheep trying to dye its fur white.

i was raised a princess and now try to fit into the life of a pauper (inevitably, with lots of friction).

i want stability and i want unbound freedom. i want what i want, but i want to be selfless.

many of you have joined my journey in discovering where i fit best, post-college. you have read about my excitements and my woes, and labored with me over every decision.

try as i might to have some sort of normality and organization in my life, desires, and feelings- i can't get there. i can't even write to you about what is churning inside of me. usually, i can pretty well figure it out and blog about it. but this time, there is too much. months and months of life things are woven together into a sticky web that i can't control or even quite see.

so really, what i have to say is that i am in a constant struggle against this mess of self. my daily selfishness and sense of entitlement are burdens. and to take that burden one step further, i usually respond in self-deprecation, which is just another form of self-absorption.

and if nothing else, i am seeing more and more truth and praying that God will help me see past myself and start growing in new ways.

ps- seattle was amazing. the bright oranges and reds of the leaves still have my head swimming.

vision.

2009-11-04T21:15:00.009-05:00

i've been itching to blog today and marylyn's post pushed me over the edge. (it is really a wonderful post about embracing who you are created to be).

on the same note, her post is yet another word of encouragement for those who are creators to keep doing what they are doing. for the past few months, i have either read something or been told by someone to continue to create art at least once a week. how can i not be convinced that is the direction i am to head?

one thing on my mind today is vision. i've been praying and hoping to be led forward, to know where i am going. but one thing i haven't been asking for is vision. vision for my life. vision for my art. vision for my marriage. vision for the kind of person i am going to become.

and i want that vision, desperately.

sorry for this pitiful copy of my sketch.

but i am beginning to run in the direction i want to go. i started reading the creative call by janice elsheimer. it's a book about responding to the talents given to us by God as artists. its the first overtly christian book i've happily picked up in years. i've also signed up for an online art class from my favorite artist, misty mawn. i cannot begin to express my excitement and gratitude for this opportunity. misty truly is wonderful.

daily things are hard right now because i rarely come across alone time, 6:30 a.m. practically kills me, and i have no private, me-space for creating. these are things that i hope will change soon. and some of the must if i am going to really soak up everything i can from my art class.
my art supplies are still scattered about various parts of the old house i am living in. i don't feel very peaceful about it, but until something changes, there isn't much i can do. nov. 14th is when class starts and that is approaching verrrrry quickly.

today, in sharing my life with my wonderful comm group leader, she urged me to focus on not what i want to do, but who i want to be. and that during this season, it is imperative that i remember to take each day as it comes. when i wake up every morning, it is the time to embrace that day. to be present while at the same time asking for vision for the future.

so forward in these things i must go.

primary colors.

2009-10-30T14:30:00.004-04:00

joy and freedom are coming. and this is how i know:

may you keep holding on. and may you have faith to know it's coming.

thank you joseph and friends who remind me of this.

hidden beliefs.

2009-10-28T19:57:00.004-04:00

i don't think i'm faithful enough to actually do things that have meaning with my life. i don't think i'm available for God to use me, because i'm just not faithful.

in the back of my mind, this is what i believe. but some hopeful part of me thinks that maybe i actually will live of life of service to Him. a life of love.

but the farther from graduation i get, the stronger the belief of my lack of capability and availability gets.

i wonder if i am just wasting my time away.

art thoughts. 10.25

2009-10-26T00:02:00.001-04:00

(click on image to read the full post)

my favorite thought, referring to God:

"ultimately, my satisfaction comes from my life lived with you and reflecting you."

filling the silence.

2009-10-23T12:22:00.007-04:00

thank you, friday morning, for allowing me the best sleep in a long time, cool air to keep me snuggled under my comforter, and no plans so that i could rest up after a busy week and before a busy weekend.

last night (after securing my beautiful wedding venue, pictured above), i went to an artistic worship gathering at my friend's art studio in downtown bryan.

i didn't bring any paints or canvas with me, because i don't feel like i am there yet. i wanted to start with my sketchbook. you always need to start somewhere.

sometimes i feel like i try to just fill up a canvas. and i let everything lose its meaning, its thought, its beauty.

in the same way, sometimes we just like to fill the silence with words. or music. or other activity.
i'd like to spend my day, weekend, month, year, whatever-- not speaking or doing just to speak or do. but to speak and do when necessary or important.

i'll just start with today. i'm not going to use words that are meaningless, like giving advice that i don't really mean, or talking about the weather because i have nothing better to say.

also, i don't want to paint if my object is going to be to fill up a canvas. i can't handle it if it isn't inspired. and i can't do it if all i care about is the business aspect. i just want to learn how to integrate the two without making the money-side my chief end in life.

after all, the one who delights in the things of the Lord is the one who is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season, and whose leaf does not wither. whatever he does prospers.
--from psalm 1

oh life.

2009-10-20T21:52:00.006-04:00

i think i have issues...

i love to travel, maybe too much?

i'm off to seattle on november 6 for a few days with one of my closest friends.

i haven't even finished going through greece photos and here i am, getting on an airplane again.

i'm also thinking about closing my etsy site for now. maybe take some time to rethink or restrategize. truthfully, it stresses me out more than brings me joy (or even business).

i'm not really sure what else to do about it at this point. i have no business plan, no idea how to even handle or market it. i don't want to tweet and blog about it, i just don't. i hate reading tweets and blogposts about people's new items they listed in their etsy shop. and i don't want to become obsessed with it myself.

i'm just taking some time to think and pray about this whole art and photography thing that i feel led to do.

i am in the process of working through thirty or so questions that i was inspired to type up one afternoon. they are actually very insightful questions and will hopefully help guide me and get me further into this life process. this growing up.

i don't like it, i have to say. all this responsibility. but i am learning, and that is always a good thing.

i may be posting some questions later, and may even venture to answer some of them. :)

the perfect day.

2009-10-16T14:50:00.005-04:00

i am completely relishing the glory of this day.

today, i can clearly see how beautiful life is.

the weather is perfect.

autumn inspiration is on my heart and in my fingertips.

i only slept four hours last night because i was so excited about finding a photographer i liked.

i got up early to hang out in a coffee shop with a mug, a pen, a blank piece of paper, and the Bible.

i ran into a sweet mother and my favorite baby (aside from nadia) that has ever been born.

i spent 3 and a half hours lounging at another coffee shop with one of my most dear friends ever. talking, laughing, communing.

and now, i'm sitting on the porch letting the cool autumn breeze wind through my hair and swirl through my skirt.

i'm wearing my favorite boots.

there is the possibility of a beautiful, sunny, brick-walled art studio in the middle of my favorite place in bryan/college station.

i know that i am passionate about pursuing french, art, people, and my fiance.

thank you, Lord, for letting me have this day.

renew.

2009-10-15T17:42:00.003-04:00

i feel like cleansing.

and starting from the beginning all over again.

playing catch up with my thoughts.

2009-10-12T18:49:00.007-04:00

oh my goodness. somehow i had forgotten all about this little blog.

it's a shame because i love blogging and sharing photos so much. i think that i got extremely overwhelmed by everyone and everything after returning home from greece. traveling and being a newly-engaged woman can guarantee some love from others.

i appreciated everyone's support, but i tend to get a little overwhelmed, especially if i am expected to be overly excited and extremely social.

after taking some time to myself, all was much better.

i've begun the planning, which i enjoy tremendously. i love the artistic part of all of this. coming up with a big picture idea and moving forward to make it happen and focusing on every little detail. i don't like the administrative part of wedding planning. its the aesthetic that i thrive after.

a refined version of the ongoing conversation in my head. in the hopes of being able to better decipher it.

currently, i'm broke. i'm living in college station and i'm not sure i'll be able to pay for rent and bills and food this coming month. perhaps i have just enough in my bank account.

every time i sit down and think about things, i start to get really overwhelmed. i'm anxious about how i will tackle all the tasks i believe i have before me.

i believe i am supposed to pursue art. i don't believe i should take on an over-committed job. i believe i am to plan a wedding. i believe i am to follow Jesus, (i believe i am to grow in this). i believe i am to think about the future with joseph.

but how to do all this?

in regards to art- through loved ones and random books and blogs, i feel led to pursue this as a financial means of support and ministry. many people are willing to help. but usually i know to pursue things when there is a first step that i feel peace about taking. i'm still trying to figure that out.

as a confession, i believe pride is standing in the way. and just as pride is, i didnt even recognize it until two nights ago, at a wedding rehearsal dinner. the groom was talking about prideful people, who consistently compete with others. thats what i do. i have felt crippled (unknowingly by my own pride) in pursuing art. i want to be better than everyone. i want everyone to love what i do. i want praise. i want to be everyone's favorite. and i don't want to support anyone else, especially if they try and do the same things that i do in my art.

it is disgusting. but its true. and the thing is, all the other artists i've met recently, have done nothing but love and support me, and some even desire to promote me.

and i would not do that for anyone else.

i'm ashamed. but if i am going to move forward, if i am going to learn humility, if i am going to heal, if i am going to be able to pursue art-- the darkness has to be revealed.

so there it is.

i'm sorry if i haven't supported you.

the one other thing that i think will help me move forward is actually spending some time in prayer. the goal is 20 straight minutes, every couple of days. its been awhile since i have prayed this much, but the two times i have sat through this, i have known that it matters. and that there will be growth, wisdom, and answers.

mmm.

2009-10-04T00:31:00.002-04:00

i can say with an honest heart that there is almost nothing that i love more than a candle.

currently inspiring me:

sparkles.

2009-10-01T14:39:00.005-04:00

just wanted to post a few pictures of the beautiful ring i received today. it was more like a second proposal. joseph had a whole surprise set up for me by the time i woke up this morning.

(click on the photos for a bigger and more up-close look)

the eagle has landed.

2009-09-30T13:51:00.003-04:00

oh how I love my own culture. being back here and witnessing the way people talk, the way they respond, and understanding exactly what every gesture, every tone of voice, and every facial expression really means is quite wonderful.

don’t get me wrong, i’m not exactly on cloud 9 happy to be back stateside. i would like, for example, to spend more time in Brussels. but i do look forward to seeing and visiting with some people i love dearly. :)

i’m also looking forward to spending “normal” amounts of money on normal things.

it does not feel like early afternoon for me. it feels like i would imagine it feels to be dead for 5 years and come back to life. but i do not regret my 2 am excursion around Brussels.

time for mcdonalds coffee. my first “american” product in three weeks.

a new love.

2009-09-29T20:21:00.003-04:00

if i didn't believe in love at first site, i believe in it now.

you see, i am completely enamored with brussels.

i only get about 7 hours here- and all of those are at night. but what i have seen is absolutely magical.

and i see and hear french.

i will come back here. yes, brussels is my newest obsession.

its a shame that i came too late and will leave too early to get some famous belgian chocolate or belgian waffles.

i feel that my few photos don't do justice to this beautiful place. and it's a city. a city!

i sincerely hope there will be a couple more photos to come. no promises.

in and around.

2009-09-27T08:40:00.007-04:00

i wish we all had balconies in the states. i feel most at home when i am just chillin on the balcony snacking on potato chips.

life in athens is good. though five days is only a microcosm of life, i feel almost as if this is my normal life.

i couldn't have ended up with a better host. really.

elfi is wonderful and she feels like a friend, not a host.

thankfully, i haven't been going non-stop. though i have more or less had time to blog, for whatever reason, i just didn't make it a priority. plus, i keep getting caught up in thinking about the wedding. for a long time i've wished i could think about it and now that i am finally here it seems unreal. as if i'm still not allowed to think about it. it's also quite overwhelming.

one thing that i have found a little bit upsetting is that almost everyone i talk to here doesn't want to get married. and i don't think that is unique to greece. it's like everyone stopped believing in marriage and the joy that it can be. i'm not ignorant of its struggles, but i also believe that it is worth it. i'm sensing the growing importance of my own marriage. how important it is that it be God's. how important it is that it would show the love of Christ and what he does in our lives. at this point, i think that's my biggest hope.

anyway.

yesterday, saturday, i slept in until 10 and had coffee with elfi in the morning. we went to the supermarket to pick up a few things and then headed off to the national gallery. the national gallery is a museum with a collection of greek art throughout the different movements in europe.

it was absolutely fascinating and i wish i would have had more time to explore it. though i recognized some of the artistic movements, i would really enjoy reading more about it and the artists and going back.

i then spent the evening wandering around the downtown area, getting lost, eating gelato, taking photographs, and buying sandals from creepy kostas.

today, i slept in again and then went to the archaelogical museum with elfi as my guide. the museum was really overwhelming and if i can make a confession, not my favorite. i don't know. i just am not that fascinated by archaelogical stuff. i mean, it was interesting and i like to look at the stuff. but, one hour tops. after that, i just get bored.

as for tonight, we may be going out to have a drink or something. i'm not too sure. i'm also hoping for some more gelato...